Something New

Well, shoot guys. I want to write but have no inspiration currently. I’m going to try something new in the entry today.

Today is October 17, 2021. It’s a Sunday.

I woke up and didn’t feel like going to church. I told my roommate, and she said, “Then don’t go.” Just saying that and releasing myself of that obligation felt good, and it was as if I was giving control back to my hands.

Because I felt like I had control, I was able to get up and go to church. I’m glad I did; I enjoyed it.

This week was Sunday School; this means that both the men and women are together to have a lesson rather than apart in our own classes. They typically have people our own age teach the lessons, and the guy teaching us today expressed that his grandpa was a firm believer of starting a lesson, or talk, out with a joke. To keep with that tradition, he begins telling us a story:

There was a man driving down a road. The man was going about 30mph and noticed that there was a chicken running alongside him. To his dismay, the chicken had three legs. Thinking he could out pace this weird creature, he sped up to 40mph and then to 50mph when the three legged chicken kept up. Eventually the chicken ran ahead, tired of the game. He noticed that the three legged chicken pulled off onto a road leading to a farmer’s house. Following the chicken, he turned off the main road. He got out of his truck and exclaimed, “Hey! Is that your three legged chicken? Do you know anything about that?” The farmer replied that that was indeed his chicken. He then expressed that he liked to race the chicken. The man asked why, and the farmer said, “Well do you like drumsticks? We are building up their leg muscles to beef them up. Then, we can have three delicious meals to share.” The man said, “Well, yeah, I guess. How do they taste?” The farmer sighed, “I don’t really know. We’ve never caught one.”

That’s the end of the “joke.” I didn’t think it was that funny, but a few people laughed, and I enjoyed being entertained for a few minutes. After explaining that he would love for us to share any thoughts about the scripture we were reading or anything about the lesson, he expressed that we were to share our name and our top choice for a super power to get to know one another better.

I sat there, listening to each comment. People said they would want to fly, read minds, be invisible…and three of them said they would want super speed. I kept waiting and waiting for them to make a joke about having super speed to catch the super chicken, and NO ONE made it. I felt so disappointed.

The young man teaching the lesson had us break off into groups to read and discuss a talk. He ended up coming over and joining our group. We talked about the lesson, and then he asked our names. I shared my name and then expressed that I was just waiting for someone to make the joke about catching the super chicken. I also exclaimed that I didn’t understand why no one did! He chuckled and said, “Well I’m glad you did. Are you okay if I share that with everyone else?” I agreed quickly…someone had to say the stupid joke! 😂

He called everyone’s attention to the front and then asked if anyone wanted to share something that they had learned. No one raised their hand, so I did and explained a little about what my group talked about. I could tell he was almost giddy when he asked, “and what’s your name and super power?” knowing I was going to share the joke.

I said my name and then, “And for my superpower, I would want super speed to catch the super chicken.”

A huge group of people started laughing, and I felt like I was on top of the world. It feels awesome to make people laugh and for them to think you’re clever. While people laughed, my cousin just sat there next to me, shaking her head and chuckling. I’m aware I’m a wackadoodle though, so I thought her reaction was funny.

That’s the end of that story. I’m just letting you know that there is absolutely no point in sharing that other than for your enjoyment and to express that I made people laugh today…it felt great!

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Life is an adventure. I asked two of my best friends if they had any ideas for my blog. They suggested talking about college, things that inspire me, mental health, what it’s like to write a blog post, and how to be a light in the darkness. I appreciated their ideas, but I don’t know if I can write something intriguing on those ideas. What do you think? Would you be interested in reading something about those topics above? Comment, email, or text me your thoughts. Pretty please!

One of them suggested talking about what it’s like when I cannot seem to find anything to write about. The unfortunate thing is that it’s pretty boring.

Now October 23, 2021

The ironic thing about writing about feeling stuck is that I feel stuck trying to explain it. It’s not necessarily a “writer’s block,” it is more like not feeling inspired. Without inspiration, I feel my words don’t mean anything…that they don’t matter. Even so, I decided to write the story above about the super chicken just for fun, and the hilarious thing is that I feel more vulnerable writing a silly story like that than sharing the deeper thoughts of my inner brain.

So now I guess I’m asking for validation. Do you like the silly stories too? Not all of my posts have to change the world, right?!

Okay…moving on…

I’m loving college and everything that comes with it. I love making new friends, I love going to class and learning new things, I love feeling productive, I love not having the same class every day, I love having roommates and hearing them laugh, I love having conversations, I love having access to the library (laugh at me all you want ahahah), I love walking around campus, I love sleeping in, I love sharing a room with my best friend, I love doing random things to fill my time…I’m just really loving it all.

I’m not going to pretend that everything is perfect because it’s not. However, the good far outweighs the bad, and for that, I am so grateful.

*Cue me about to share something good even though I said not all of my posts have to change the world 🤦🏻‍♀️*

I have a journal app (it is called Journey…go see The Joy of Journaling for more details) and I love it. One of the things that is cool about it is that it presents the entries of the past in a story format. It shows entries from 30 days ago, one year ago, two years ago, and so on. It happens often (if not every few days) that I come across a journal entry from 1-3 years ago full of pain and sorrow. I rarely get sad from them; they make me almost content and grateful that I’m not there anymore. Sometimes I do wish I could go back to the past and give past Kyra a hug. She sure needed one at times, but I’m glad I survived and am here today.

Here is an example:

October 23, 2018

Honestly, I just wish I never existed. No pain, no love, no joy. Nothing. The state of not being. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden without actually living like them. Just not existing at all. Not even in the premortal life. No life=no pain for others if they lose you, and no pain for you. No excruciating pain and stress of life. Seriously. No existence=no knowledge of me, which equals no pain. I just wish I never existed. Ever.

My point in bringing that up is that I sit in the present now and am overwhelmed with gratitude for how amazing life feels without 500 lbs of sadness sitting on your chest. It sure feels amazing not wanting to jump in front of a car while crossing the street. It sure feels amazing to have hope for the future and have a desire to be here. Without constant, everyday, persistent pain, life is easily more manageable and worth living.

I want you to know that things get better. I don’t want to tell you to hang in there because that’s not the most fun thing to hear while stuck in darkness or stuck underneath water struggling to breathe, but I hope you know that this pain is not for nothing.

I try really hard to be validating and am very careful in my word choice, however, I know that sometimes, no matter what I say, it will be painful and it will hurt. That’s hard, and it’s a tough place to be in. If you’re sitting there now, drowning at this moment, I am sorry. I’m just sorry.

My counselor told me one time that life would get better, and it made me infuriated. I felt so angry and told her I didn’t want to hear it. I was 13 at the time and was about to have a complete mental breakdown…so that’s fun. She said that depression was clouding my vision and making it impossible to see hope or the light. Once again, I felt angry. I felt like she was lying to me, that I saw the world for what it really was, and she was just trying to get me to stay.

I’m telling you that so you know that I understand that sometimes nothing anyone says or does will help. So once again, if you are there now, I’m sorry.

I want to help people because it gives my life meaning. It gives the pain purpose. It makes the past mean something and makes me feel like it wasn’t for nothing. I need to believe this, so I do. I know that when I help people, I feel happy, and that’s enough for me. I think it will always be enough. I’m grateful for that.

I hope you find a purpose in your pain. I understand that this make take some time, and I encourage you to take it. Take the time if you need to.

If you are as happy as you can be, I encourage you to remember these feelings and hold onto them when things get hard. I also encourage you to help others who need your support and love. I encourage you to make the most of your opportunities. I also really really really hope you enjoyed my silly story up above because you are probably in a better place to laugh at it.

I think that’s all I have for you today. All it took was for me to write about what it is like to feel stuck. Go team!

What did you think of today’s post? It’s something new, a little out of my normal theme. Please let me know!

Then of course, I had to share a little something, because you know, that’s just what I do. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂🤷🏻‍♀️