Tell Them Why

The tension was tangible.

You could feel it heavy on your skin.

The tension was palpable.

You could taste its bitterness in your mouth.

The tension was evident.

You could smell the desperation I felt.

The tension was unquestionable.

You could see it as a gray cloud and in the tense way we walked.

The tension was undeniable.

You could hear it in the silence and in my distressed attempts to get rid of it.

The tension was everywhere.

And. I. Didn’t. Know. What. To. Do.

---

I almost named this post “Religious Rants,” but I don’t think the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a religion. At least not to me.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a lifestyle. It is who I am. It answers any question you could ever have.

For those reasons, “religion” feels inadequate to describe the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Gospel is so much more to me than that.

So instead, I went with “Tell Them Why.”

And if you haven’t listened to the podcast episode “Just the Beginning: Part Three,” then you have no idea what that means or where it came from.

Well, let me tell you.

---

The beginning of my week two of FSY was kind of interesting.

I had never had so many girls that were all so excited to be there.

Because of this, our activities together the first few days were more meaningful to them.

They had decided they wanted to enjoy every single moment, and they did!

It was admirable.

Another thing that was interesting about this week was that we only had six boys in our company.

Unlike the girls, we had a few boys that did not want to be at FSY.

It hurt me a little when this happened because I know how amazing the opportunity is, and I hated watching them waste the experience.

The thing is, almost always, they enjoyed it by day five. Almost always.

And I wonder if they look back and wish they had decided to enjoy each moment rather than fight it so hard.

I wonder if they would have liked being at FSY sooner if they decided to be present in each activity and class and devotional.

At meet your company, I could normally tell where my youth were at. I could tell if they wanted to be there. Most times, I could tell if they were indifferent or if they were actively frustrated that they were stuck there for a week.

I prayed for all my youth, but at meet your company, I almost always had 1-2 youths’ names on my mind that I prayed for immediately.

Miraculously, Heavenly Father often told me directly and quickly that He would help me with His children. He would tell me, “I love you and I’ve got [insert youth’s name here].”

I knew that if I did my best to love my youth with all my heart and get to know them, then Heavenly Father and the Lord would magnify my efforts.

Unfortunately, I think my efforts were often perceived as disingenuous and fake. I think sometimes youth thought, “this is just a job to her. She doesn’t actually care about me.”

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

---

I have a 15 year old brother, and I’ve learned the best way to connect to him is to give him a hard time and to tease him.

I’ve also learned over the past two years at FSY that if I treat some of the young men the same way, they feel loved and cared for.

So that week, I implemented that way of showing love and care, and it didn’t work out the way it normally does.

In fact, one of my young men asked me why I’m always so aggressive.

I felt so embarrassed and awful about it.

I tried to tune it down, but I’m not sure that I did. Agh!

On Thursday, one of my boys asked how much money I made as an FSY counselor.

They can look it up, so I told them. It’s not some big secret.

One of my boys said to me, “oh so that’s why you do it.”

It hurt my feelings a little bit, but I decided to let it go and move on. I responded with, “that’s not why I do it, but it is nice.”

Then we did the reverence discussion, talking about how reverence is more than just “being quiet.” It is a profound love and respect for God, and it invites the Holy Ghost.

After that 10-15 minute discussion, it was time to start walking up to the auditorium for the musical program.

The musical program is a very sacred and tender program that consists of six songs, spoken parts, testimonies, and a movie/slideshow in the background. The slideshow is full of videos of Jesus, videos of different people, pictures related to the music, and so on.

After the musical program, you have an evening devotional, you write your testimony, you sing the FSY medley, and then you breakout to testimony rooms.

There is a reason you have the reverence discussion right before.

It is important to set the stage for miracles, invite the spirit, and have an environment conducive to feelings of peace and comfort.

So you can imagine my panic when the conversation on our way to the auditorium was anything but peaceful.

A different young man, the same one who asked why I was being so aggressive two days prior, started questioning me.

It’s important that you know that I knew he was somewhat joking. He was just very forceful with his words.

He stated that he was going to tell my assistant coordinator that I was bullying and harassing him all week. I know I stayed calm, and I think I told him what her name was and how to find her.

He then asked if I thought I’d get fired. I remember telling him that I thought they’d do an investigation, but I didn’t think I would get fired.

It was at this moment that the young man who earlier stated, “oh that’s why you do it,” said, “don’t worry, you’ll still get paid your $800.”

For me, there’s a point where I am able to let things go and when I have had enough.

By this point, I had had enough.

I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “you know, it’s really rude when you say that to me. Please stop.”

I was assertive and did not say it nonchalantly. I was also respectful and had no malicious intent whatsoever.

I wasn’t angry, I just felt hurt.

You can imagine what happened next.

Everyone stopped talking.

We continued to walk, but the tension only grew.

I remember thinking, “Heavenly Father, please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me.”

“It is really important that they are able to feel peace and have a safe and healthy environment going up to the musical program, and that is not the case right now.”

“Please help me please help me please help me please help me.”

My pleas did not stop. The prayer did not end. It was on constant repeat in my heart and in my mind.

“Please help me please help me please help me please help me.”

I made two efforts to break the tension.

We walked by the car where an assistant coordinator was bringing up youth that couldn’t walk up the hill.

I waved and said something silly about her being a taxi. She just smiled and nodded.

That attempt failed. It didn’t work in the slightest.

If anything, the tension got worse.

My next try to alleviate the tension was mentioning how one of our boys wasn’t there to play music when we needed him. He had a portable speaker that he used throughout the week to play the youth album as we walked.

I’m sure the tension grew ten sizes that day. Hehe I mean that moment.

My prayer never stopped.

“Heavenly Father, please help me please help me please help me please help me.”

After a minute or two, I distinctly heard in my heart and mind three words. Repeated twice.

“Tell them why.”

“Tell them why.”

So I did.

I told them why I’m an FSY counselor.

I opened my mouth, and I. Did. Not. Stop.

I did not stop.

I talked about two specific youth and shared those stories with them. (See here and here.)

I talked about the burden of loving the youth as much as you POSSIBLY CAN for five days because you don’t know where they come from or what they’re going back to.

I talked about how I wish I could go home with them to make sure they continue to feel loved and feel the spirit, but I can’t. So I just hope the Savior goes with them. And I know that He does, but that doesn’t mean they will recognize that He is there.

I talked about how saying “I love you” can be hard for me, but I genuinely love them.

I talked about how FSY is a miraculous program, and it wouldn’t work if the Lord was not at the head of it.

I talked about how the FSY staff are a bunch of 20-30 year olds, and it’s crazy that we pull it off each week.

I talked about how I need the money. I need it for rent, for school, for gas, for groceries, and so on. But that is not why I’m an FSY counselor.

I talked about how my life experiences have allowed me to connect to youth in ways that I never would have imagined.

I talked about how much the prophet loves them and trusts them.

I talked about how FSY only costs the youth $75 because the prophet knows how much the Lord loves them. They’ve made it extremely accessible so the youth can come to FSY and FEEL that love.

I talked about how being an FSY counselor changed my life.

As stated above, I opened my mouth, and I did not stop.

I did not stop.

When we arrived to the auditorium and got inside, my thoughts were slowing down and I came to the end.

I was shaking and trembling. I was hot and sweaty. I was red and flushed.

As we were being seated, one of my young women asked if she could use the restroom.

I said, “of course, can you get a buddy?”

The young man that was questioning me earlier about getting fired asked if he could go, or if it needed to be another young woman. I told him he could come with us.

We walked over to the female restroom, and I told him to meet us back at that spot when he was done going (the male restroom was across the entryway).

He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “I don’t need to go to the bathroom. Can I give you a hug?”

---

At this time in my life, I have decided that one of the MOST tender, MOST beautiful, MOST sacred things to ever exist is to hold and hug a young man while he cries.

Crying because he feels loved. Crying because he feels seen. Crying because he knows everything will be okay. Crying because he finally feels like he’s enough. Crying because he feels the spirit.

I got to experience this extremely sacred moment a few times this summer, and I will never ever ever forget them. Ever.

If I did FSY only to experience those moments, then they would make it worth it alone.

Because they are SO sacred to me, I remember each moment. Each young man. The situation that garnered that special hug. The feelings I felt before and after. The relationship and connection I had with them. The pure unfiltered love I had for them.

I’m sure those moments are sacred for the Savior too.

I’m sure he relishes in hugging His sisters and brothers because of how much He loves us.

---

We hugged for a minute or so. Maybe less or maybe more, I’m not really sure.

When we went back to the music program (it hadn’t started yet), I told him to enjoy the program and gave him a pat on the back.

The rest of the night, the next day, and Saturday morning were very special days for me.

In my One Line a Day book, I wrote for Friday, “Today was AWESOME. One of the best days of my life. No joke. I love my youth this week with all my heart. ALL OF IT! I can’t say it enough. I’m very blessed.”

Just fyi, when I said “my youth this week,” I mean all of them. Including both young men that gave me a hard time on Thursday.

Especially them.

---

There’s so much more to this week. So so so much more.

Good thing I recorded three podcast episodes about it and wrote another post. (It’s called Just The Beginning.)

If you want to listen to the episode specifically about THIS story, then listen to part three.

To finish up, I want to make it clear that FSY is more than a job to me.

Like The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints being more than a religion to me, FSY is more than a job. Both are who I am.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, and I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in Holy name.

I am a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

The Young Women Theme

But for fun, let’s say FSY was just a job to me.

And if that were true, then I’d be curious as to why I write these blog posts and record podcast episodes.

Why I continue to message the group chats and pray for my kids.

Why I fasted for three of my boys recently because I felt I needed to.

Why I think about them all the time.

Why I continue to run figuratively “from house to house” like Abish (see previous post), just hoping they’ll come and see. Just hoping they’ll believe. Just hoping they let Jesus in.

Why I miss them with all my heart.

Why I share my study insights with them.

Why I will never forget them.

I’d be curious why I do all that.

Clearly, FSY was more and is more than a job to me. And if you don’t believe me, I might just have to tell you why.

Tell you why I do it. Tell you why it matters to me. Tell you why it is part of who I am.

And then, if anyone else asks why I do all that,

I’ll just have to tell them why.