We all desire to be understood. To feel like we are not alone. To know that someone out there cares, and someone out there believes in us.
We crave validation. It is built into who we are. We need to feel important, accepted, appreciated, wanted, needed… it is a normal desire. It is healthy, and it is a must in a relationship. Validation builds trust, and it deepens the bond of a relationship.
Validation is about creating a safe space where one can feel comfortable to talk freely. The listener must follow certain steps in order to create this environment. They have to listen and show genuine interest in what’s being said. They have to care about the well-being of the other.
There are different types of validation. The first type is when someone has something important that they need support for. The first step for this one is for the listener to show they are listening by repeating back the feelings they are sensing.
For example, [this is just an example] let’s say that a daughter comes home frustrated from school, and she tells her mom that she is so mad at her friends for always forgetting about her or ignoring her. In order to validate, the mother needs to follow these steps: (I am going to generalize it and say “you”)
- Look at your daughter. This shows her that you are listening, and that you are giving her full attention. This is showing her that you care.
- Be genuine. If it’s forced, it can have an invalidating affect.
- Listen. Do not interrupt or put a two-sense in. Don’t barge in and compare what has happened in your life. Do not try to “one-up” your daughter. (This means not to tell her of an example when your friends treated you worse or something to that affect).
- When she is finished, this is the time you need to show her that you were listening. Repeat back to your daughter what feelings you sensed- “I hear that you are angry that you are being left out. I bet that hurts to feel forgotten or not important.”
- Now pause. If you are correct in your assumptions, then she will nod or acknowledge you. If she feels you misread her, she will clarify and correct you. Either way, this is good. If she corrects you, she is continuing to release these pent-up emotions.
- Now, after you have repeated back the situation, feelings you sensed, and had her clarify, it is time to encourage. Give some genuine praise, approval, love, etc. For example, tell your daughter, “I know that you are an amazing young woman, and anyone would be lucky to be your friend. I’m sorry that your friends are being mean to you. You deserve to be treated as the kindhearted young woman that you are. I encourage you to try to make some new friends. I want you to remember that even though they make you feel like you are not important, you are. You are not forgotten. I love you.”
- Tell her how you (will) support her.
- Tell her how you identify. This is not the time to compare or try to one-up. It is simply to relate. “I can’t say that I know exactly how you are feeling, because I don’t. I do know that it is so hard when people who are your friends mistreat you. In High-school, I had a friend group that made me feel sad, and it is an awful feeling. I’m so sorry that you have to experience it too.”
I want to note that in order to have a conversation like this with someone, you must have a good relationship with them.
Another type of validation is the way we speak with others-anyone and everyone! It is the way to start building that relationship or deepening it. In fact, you don’t even need to know the person to validate them or listen to them. Remember, it is important to validate on the little things because they lead to the greater things.
My favorite thing to do is to validate people. I often do it naturally without even realizing what I’m doing. It’s because it is so important to me, and it brings me happiness and satisfaction. Here is a short video about validation-it is soo good! It’s worth watching. đ
Validation Video:
Then here are two videos that are a must-watch!
You Are Awesome-For Women
You Are Awesome-For Men
My next post is going to be about what it is okay to say to someone, and what is not okay to tell someone.
I’ll give a little example. A few nights ago, someone told me that they thought that losing a leg would be so much harder than losing an arm, (my arm is broken) and that losing a leg would really inhibit you from doing anything. “If anything,” they said, “be grateful you broke your arm not your leg.”
This is an example of what not to say. You never ever want to diminish someone’s pain or tell them to be grateful their situation isn’t worse.
Because to be honest, this person that told me to be grateful has absolutely no idea how much pain this trial has caused me. They don’t know of all the stress, anguish, inconvenience, frustration, sorrow, and emptiness I have felt. They can not stand above the trench that I’m stuck in and wave from the top. That’s not how it works.
Just saying, but my occupational therapist (he might be biased) said that losing an arm would be so much harder than a leg because of the unique and daily function that it provides. For a leg, there are much better prosthetics available. You can’t get a prosthetic arm/hand that can clasp things with delicacy and have strength at the same time.
Anyway, no matter what limb is lost, no matter what hardship someone has faced, life is hard, and the statement above is not to take away from any pain others have been in.
My point is, words matter. They hold power unlike any other. Next time you think to say something, remember that words have strength. Remember that the person you are speaking to also wants to be understood. Remember that they want to feel accepted, needed, loved, and validated too. Fill their bucket, and you will find that yours gets filled too.
