Happiness Exists. I Promise

Well, it’s been a little while. Normally it takes me about 7-10 days since the last post to get something written, edited, checked, and sent out into the world. As of the 24th of September, it has officially passed the 12 day mark, and I didn’t have it done by then either. The days are counting on…. Writing a blog post takes time for me. I write most of it in my head as I’m in the shower (deep shower thoughts ooooh) or walking to class, OR, my personal favorite…right before I go to bed! Yayyyy…..not. Definitely not. After taking about three days to write and add to it and edit it and fix it to what I want it to be, it takes about a day to have someone check it and look it over. My point is, I’m a bit behind on my schedule. I don’t want to say I’ve had writer’s block, but… I’ve had writer’s block. [insert shrug here]

I know I was prompted to write about this topic because last Friday, September 18th, I wrote the title. I entered it in, “Happiness Exists. I Promise.” There. Done. That’s all I wrote. I told myself, “Now I won’t forget.”

To answer your question (which you probably don’t actually have, and I’m just saying that to be a cool writer) I know I was prompted to do so because two days later I received a text from a friend that hasn’t been doing very well. Two days after that, I received another text from a different friend that wasn’t doing well. They are in the midst of pain and suffering and confusion. They are feeling the weight of life. They are longing for some hope, and they are in survival mode. Sooo, with these very two specific people in mind, (and a few others) I write this to you.

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Depression is like a ton of bricks constantly sitting on your chest. It is the filter of gray on everything around you, so light can’t get in. It is an iron door blocking your heart from feeling joy, the spirit, hope, happiness, and love. Depression is a weight tying you down and pulling you under. Depression is the rocks in your pocket when you try to go swimming.

The few people I am thinking of and writing this for and keeping in mind all know this feeling. They know it well. So today I am writing to them. I am writing to you. My message today is one of hope. It is, “Happiness exists. I promise.”

I know from firsthand experience that amidst the darkness and the pain and the suffering, happiness simply doesn’t exist. It doesn’t feel like it exists. It doesn’t feel like it will exist. It doesn’t feel like it ever did exist. It doesn’t feel like there is any hope at all.

Some learn to master the mask. Some learn to fake it so good that you don’t know the truth, nor do you even suspect a thing. Some learn to smile and to laugh when they are actually screaming inside.

My message is to you. My message is to those who want to pick up on those signs. My message is to those who need hope and to those who want other loved ones to find hope.

I’ve had depression since I was a little girl, and the constant pain and weight on my chest has been excruciating and impossible at times. I have been suicidal. I have been a hot mess. I’ve had several breakdowns. Two of the worst ones were at girls camp and youth conference. Even with people who loved me all around, I couldn’t see the light.

I remember some priesthood holders giving me a blessing, (with my two favorite leaders at the time in the room) and I wanted to run out and run away. The blessing didn’t help. I remember sitting in the chair with their hands on my head, angry tears running down my face, and feeling so mad at life. I remember feeling so hopeless and stuck. So, so, so stuck. I hate feeling stuck.

After the blessing, I sat there even more frustrated because I thought that if He loved me, He wouldn’t let me suffer this way. He wouldn’t leave me all alone in despair. He would try to comfort me, right? He would make me feel loved, right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. He didn’t leave me alone; I just didn’t realize it.

You see, although He loves us with everything inside of Him, depression still exists and is part of our anatomy. Depression=depth. He allows us to have depression because it changes who we are as a person. I was not all alone. I had two of my favorite young women leaders in there, handing me tissues and listening to me sob. I had two men come in and support me. I had angels all around me, supporting me even though I could not feel their love.

As I said earlier, depression is a block. It is a big stone sitting right on top of your heart, and it doesn’t want love and hope to get in. So I was loved. I was cared for. I wasn’t alone. I just felt that alone and unloved.

At times, this is how we feel. How you feel. How you may feel at this very moment. It’s an awful, horrible, terrible, and hurtful feeling. But I know that we aren’t alone.

I’ve said this before in a different blog post, but I’m going to share it again:

There have been times in my life where I wondered if God was up there up watching me suffer, eating popcorn, and enjoying the show. (Ya I know. Oof.) However, over two years or so ago, I had a very distinct prompting that He sobbed as I suffered, crying, “Oh my dear Kyra, I wish I could step in right now. But I know this is absolutely necessary for you to become the person that you can be and want to be. I’m here for you. I love you. I’m sorry that you feel all alone.”

When I heard this message from Heaven. I knew it to be true. He cries as we suffer. He suffers with us. He loves us. I know this to be true.

-By Divine Design-

When I simply could not handle life anymore, (it happened frequently) I said often, “it always comes back. It never goes away. It hides in the shadows and waits for the perfect opportunity to pounce and drain me completely. It always comes back. It always comes back. Why even try when it always comes back? It’s going to come back.”

I am here now, promising you that happiness comes. I am promising you that those days go away. I am promising you that the pain leaves.

It is so wonderful. It is so touching. It is so magnificent. It is so marvelous. It is glorious.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that depression will never strike again, but I know with 100% certainty that it doesn’t last. Hope creeps in. Light overpowers the darkness.

Have you ever heard the saying, “the best is yet to come?” I wondered why that would be the case. How is that possible?

I remember being at EFY and listening to Scott Anderson, (my FAVORITE SPEAKER OF ALL TIME…look him up on youtube!!!!!!!) His talks will change your life. His words were the ones to inspire me to become a motivational speaker and look into becoming one.

Anyway, he told us about a young man that he knew and was a bishop over. The young man made a terrible mistake and over time was able to take the sacrament. He watched as the atonement of Jesus Christ overcame this young man and he was completely clean again. The young man burst out into tears. He told Scott Anderson, “this is the happiest day of my life. It could not get better than this.” Years later, he was called on a mission. He told Brother Anderson, “this is the happiest day of my life. I don’t know how it could get better than this.” He went on his mission, baptized many people, made a huge difference, and he emailed Brother Anderson, “These have been the best weeks of my life. It is not possible for it to get any better than this. My heart is so happy.” The young man came home and met a beautiful young woman and got engaged to her. He told Brother Anderson, “I am so, so happy. It could not get any better than this.” Months later, he got married and exclaimed to Brother Anderson that he was, “overjoyed and filled with happiness and love.” He stated that it couldn’t get any better than this. A few years later, his wife conceived and they had a darling baby girl. With tears in his eyes, he told Brother Anderson “I am so full of love. I didn’t know this was possible. It could not possibly get better than this.” Many children later and many years later, his first grandchild was born. Once again he told Brother Anderson, “I am so happy and so fulfilled. Life could not get any better than this.”

There were lots of times of trouble and lots of moments of pain. There were times when he felt he could not go on and felt he could not make ends meet. But every time, happiness came. Overwhelming joy came, flooding his heart as he told Brother Anderson, “It can not get any better than this.”

Though the pain is deep now, though the pain is excruciatingly painful and heartbreaking and taking everything you have to take another breath, though the pain and depression are sitting there on your heart, blocking love, joy, and hope from getting in, though you may feel like there is nothing worth living for, the best is yet to come. The happiness you so deserve will come. The overwhelming joy that floods your heart and veins will come. The warmth and the love you cannot feel will come. Why? Because the best is yet to come. Even after we pass away and are done with this mortal journey, the best is still yet to come. Because there is a life after this that will also bring unimaginable joy.

So I’m telling you, from my heart and hopefully straight to yours, happiness exists. I promise with all my heart that it comes. I know that depression does not last. It may come back, and it may be hard, but it leaves and light overcomes the darkness. Happiness exists and is worth it. It’s worth waiting for.

I know that sometimes as we struggle we want someone to be there for us and empathize with us. I hope I’ve “jumped into the trenches” with you. I hope I haven’t waved from up above and smiled at you saying, “It’s okay. You’ll be okay!” I hope you know that I do care. I will jump into the trenches with you. I will do my very best to lift you up and listen to you as you cry. Take a deep breath and please, please know that you are loved. You are not alone. You have not been forgotten.

I promise. Happiness exists.