By Divine Design

Sunday and Saturday, the 25th and 26th of July, were really hard days for me. I wrote several entries in my journal expressing my pain:

My poor heart is hurting. There is a special kind of hurt that I don’t feel all that often. Most times, there is a constant and perpetual heaviness on my heart, but sometimes, on more rare occasions, it is a stabbing pain. I don’t know how to describe it other than it PHYSICALLY hurts. Luckily, it is rare, but it’s there all the same. I’ve experienced it a few times in front of people, and it can easily be found by the sudden tension in my shoulders and the look of pure pain on my face. I hide it quickly, but sometimes the truth leaks out. I wish I could describe this feeling, but the only words that come to mind are “constant stabbing” and “throbbing” and “pain pounding.” It isn’t just simply a weight, it is a full on attack.

I feel like I’m sinking. There’s a heavy weight chained to my leg, and no matter how much I fight, I still descend down below. The depths now seem welcoming, their darkness calming to my soul. I no longer fight, I simply accept my fate and sink farther below. The lack of oxygen makes my body thrash, but my soul is calm; I am ready for rest. I am ready to pass on.

I was in pain and very distraught about life. I didn’t feel like doing much. I couldn’t find any hope or motivation to do anything. My job was stressing me out, school starting again was stressing me out, (not to mention that it’s online) Covid-19 was stressing me out, the unknown was stressing me out, and so on. It is also important to point out that sometimes there isn’t a reason at all for depression. Chemicals are imbalanced and simple problems have daunting and impossible solutions. I was just sad, and the things listed above were only added pressures.

We decided not to go to church on Sunday because we wanted to allow other families the chance to go. Covid-19 has really shaken everything up, so only 50 people are allowed at a time inside the chapel. We went to church the last 3 weeks, so we decided to have family study this week.

For those who don’t know, “Come Follow Me” is an at home study book for families and individuals. In October of 2018, prior to the pandemic, the prophet released this study guide as a home based, church supported guide. With this addition, he simplified 3 hour church to 2 hours each week. Now, about 2 years later, it is clear that this was preparation for church being canceled entirely because of the pandemic.

Anyway, the lesson for Sunday in “Come Follow Me” was Alma 36-38. My dad played two of the videos provided for those chapters. The second video was based off of Alma 37: Alma the younger talking to his son Helaman.

Alma teaches his son and encourages him in many different ways. Alma 37:6-7 says:

6 …I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

7 And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.

The video continued and Alma taught Helaman many other important truths.

Honestly, I didn’t think much of the lesson. I knew the story. I knew the lessons and the teachings that were taught. The lesson didn’t stand out to me in any way.

Later in the day, around 4-5pm, I decided to go on youtube and watch a talk. I picked one about Joseph Smith. Although it wasn’t as exciting and intriguing as some other talks I’ve listened to, I still enjoyed certain parts of it. One thing that stood out to me was, “Do not deny God’s power and love.” I took notes and wrote down things that I found to be important. I’ll post my notes down below if you want to read them, but they are not the main focus of today’s blog post.

After the talk, I decided to get my “Read the Book of Mormon In 100 Days” packet out. I’ve been wanting to get it out for months now. The last time I wrote in it and used it was in October of 2017. It’s been about 3 years!!! I pulled it out and wrote the date down. I had left off at Day 55: Alma 37-38. I began reading and highlighting it. Soon, I began to recognize it. I was nearly done with the chapter when I finally made the connection. My family had this exact same lesson earlier that day! I couldn’t believe it. 3 years ago, I left off at Alma 37-38, which was that day’s lesson in “Come Follow Me.”

To further the miracle, it would not have happened had we gone to church. It would not have happened had I chose ANY OTHER day to pull it out. It wouldn’t have happened if my eyes and heart were not open enough to make the connection.

Another cool thing about it is that the scriptures Alma 37:16-17 and Alma 37:40-41, 44 talk about God’s power. The talk I watched right before talked about God’s power. Another connection.

Now hey, I am totally aware that this could be one big coincidence and totally random, but I choose to believe that this is a small little miracle just for me. By divine design, I was able to experience this and have my hopes lifted a little bit. Although the weight came back after I was done, I didn’t notice it as much while studying. That, in itself, is a miracle to me.

[I know some of you are not religious, and I’m thankful you read this anyway and reached this point! I know that some of the concepts above can be confusing, so hopefully I explained them enough for you to understand why it was such a big deal to me!]

For me, this was such a small and simple thing…but it still meant a lot to me. Not surprisingly, this is what these chapters are about too. Alma 37:40-41 say:

40 And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go, behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and also many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day.

41 Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works…

There are other really good principles in these chapters as well, but I’ll only share one more: Alma 37:35-37 says,

35 O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.

36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day

I’m not sure how I’m going to wrap this up, but here I go! Hehe

I know that He is aware of us. He knows of our struggles and knows when our hearts hurt and when we do not want to go on. He knows who we are. He knows what we like. He knows what we need far better than we know what we even want.

He is consciously aware of us at all times. Sometimes, (and I’ve experienced it firsthand) He chooses not to interfere. At these times, He suffers with us. He hates to see us in pain. When we feel comfort-less and all alone, He is still there, cheering us on all the while. AND, even when we feel all alone, we never truly are.

I’m going to share something very personal to me…

There have been times in my life where I wondered if God was up there watching me suffer, eating popcorn, and enjoying the show. (Ya I know. Oof.) However, over a year or so ago, I had a very distinct prompting that He sobbed as I suffered, crying, “Oh my dear Kyra, I wish I could step in right now. But I know this is absolutely necessary for you to become the person that you can be and want to be. I’m here for you. I love you. I’m sorry that you feel all alone.”

When I got this message from Heaven, my body exploded with tingles and warm love. I knew it to be true. I know it to be true.

When messages come from heaven, they mean a lot to me because depression is an iron door over my heart, blocking the light from coming through.

On December 9, 2019, I wrote this in my journal: “One of the worst things about depression is that it can be a literal iron door weighing on one’s heart. It can completely shut out the spirit. It can completely shut out happiness or hope. It can shut out your real personality. So no matter how hard I try to feel the spirit, at times, it is impossible. The iron door is sealed shut. The weight heavy.”

[I feel like I’ve had so many closing phrases and paragraphs here, but my fingers have a mind of their own and here we are. Haha whoops!!!]

I know that He is there for us. I know that the scriptures are true and hold powerful truths in them. I know that reading them brings power into our lives. I know that occasionally, things happen in our lives that can only be explained by “divine design.” Some may choose to believe that they are big coincidences, and I understand that thought process…but for me, I know that they are mini miracles and messages from God that He has not forsaken us. He has not forgotten us. He loves us. And He will never let us fall.

That’s the end, but I’m going to put the pictures of my scriptures down below: