My friend told me recently that I’ve fallen behind on this blog, and I need to get back on it! I totally agree, but I haven’t been sure on what to write about. However, I realized I can teach about some things I’ve learned throughout my life.
I wrote a post about true friends, and the key to making connections with others and being able to call them true friends is not always the easiest thing to do. Some of my sisters have occasional friend problems, and I get so frustrated that they are even in the situations they sometimes find themselves in! Honestly, the key to avoiding these awkward, not fun, uncomfortable, miserable, hurtful situations, is to catch the red flags and be aware of them before they can grow and fester into something more that you can’t escape.
Around the ages of 9-12, I went to a play therapist, and she gave me this list. We went through all my friends at the time. I was in elementary school. It was kind of shocking what results we came up with! Some of my friends weren’t really good for me, but I didn’t notice that they weren’t treating me right. Sometimes I did notice, but I didn’t think it mattered. Most times if I noticed, I didn’t do anything because it wasn’t worth losing the relationship to me.
I’m going to write down the list below, but I’m going to add some of my interpretations of it and some examples of each. I personally think this can be MOST helpful to adults, especially adult women. However, if kids learn this at a young age, so much heartache will be avoided. Learning this at a young age, or really any age for that matter, is an absolute life changer!
How To Gauge Trustworthiness
- Extreme inconsistency, from one person to another, one time to another, or differences between what they say and what they do
- Unequal power in the relationship
- Guilt trips
- The person puts you on a “one down/child/victim” role
- The person tries to make you feel responsible for their mood, feelings, problems, solutions to their problems, or life.
- You feel stuck/trapped/obligated/responsible/unable to assert yourself or escape.
- You feel confused. This may be because you feel angry about the way you are being treated, but if you were to try to get in touch with the anger or express it, you could be hurt or lose the relationship you have with this person.
- The person is frequently critical of you, your ideas, your friends, your behavior, or your choices.
- The person doesn’t keep your secrets or tells you other people’s secrets.
- Your body will develop a unique reaction to being treated unfairly or feeling emotionally or physically unsafe. You may have knots in your stomach, feel heaviness in your chest, feel numb, have headaches, or some other reactions is is unique to you. Once you identify your unique reaction, be extremely cautious when you feel this way, because you may be in an unsafe situation.
- Watch how the person treats others.
- Watch for differences in standards.
Okay I’m going to add my insight to each one above:
- This can be shown when someone treats one person like gold and another like dirt. Also, they can treat you amazing at some times, and pretend you don’t exist at other times. They say one thing and do another.
- They treat you as lesser than; they are in charge of what you do together; they make themselves seem more important in the relationship; they make you feel like you don’t deserve to be their friend.
- They make you feel responsible for their feelings or problems. Here’s an example: “we can go to that movie or you can allow me to feel happy. We can’t do both.” Another one could be, “hey will you give me your homework? If you don’t, then it’s going to be your fault I failed the class.”
- They treat you as a lesser and make you feel worthless when you are with them.
- This one is pretty clear. They make you feel bad for their feelings. They make you feel like it’s your fault, even when you have nothing to do with it.
- You feel stuck. An example could be that you feel that if you weren’t their friend, they may not have any other friends. You may feel you can’t say what you’re thinking in fear that they will feel depressed or lonely.
- This one is based on fear: fear you could lose the relationship, fear you deserve how you are being treated, fear you could get hurt, fear that they will turn others against you…etc.
- This one can change your entire thought process in a negative way. You may feel you are constantly trying to say something that they approve of, and if you say something that they don’t like, you feel like an idiot. They are critical of things you believe in or things you enjoy. They make you feel like you need to change who you are.
- If they tell you someone else’s secrets, what makes you think they don’t tell others your secrets behind your back? Perhaps you tell them something in confidence, and then later you hear rumors going around about that same secret.
- This one is clear: you won’t feel comfortable around them. You will feel icky and uncomfortable. You will feel unsafe in their presence. Something won’t feel right.
- When this person treats different people differently, this can be a clue that they are not as deep or as genuine as you thought. This is a sign that they aren’t authentic (real) or kind-hearted. They could be considered “fake.”
- This doesn’t mean that a Christian person cannot be friends with an atheist. It is about compromising your values to fit in with them. It is about being comfortable. An example may be that they want you to drink alcohol or steal something with them. Watch for differences in values to stay safe.
With the list above, pick one of your friends and start grading! I suggest writing it down, but mentally doing it is good too.
You assign A’s to the numbers when this friend rarely or never does the action stated. B’s are when they sometimes do it. C’s are when they do it more often than not. D’s are when they do it pretty frequently. F’s are when they do it all the time. So to be plain:
- A—rare to never
- B—sometimes but not very often
- C—more often than not
- D—pretty frequently
- F—all the time
Interpreting The Grades
- If this person has 3 or more C’s, it might be time to consider to disengage with this friend.
- If this person has 2 D’s, then they don’t deserve to be your friend.
- If this person has even one F, then they are toxic and need to be removed from your best friends list.
It is important to know that dropping a friend does not mean being rude to them. It means that you slowly stop hanging out with them, talking to them, engaging with them, etc. Depending on the situation, it may be possible to drop them cold turkey. This will most likely not happen very often and will be rare. For example, you may have an extremely toxic boyfriend and decide to break up with him. I want to mention that even if they are not a good friend to you, ALWAYS BE CIVIL. You don’t have to hangout over the weekends, but certainly don’t begin to treat them like trash.
The most important thing is that you protect your heart with people who don’t score well on the chart. They are more likely to break your heart (if not shatter it later down the road), so it’s key to be watching for red flags in order to avoid this. Protecting your heart can mean that you don’t invest emotional energy and feelings into the friendship/relationship. You don’t sacrifice your feelings for theirs. You don’t invest time into the relationship. You slowly disengage.
Have you ever heard the saying that you are the 5 people you spend the most time with? Well, it might be true, but I’m not sure. What I do know is that friends do matter. Friends matter because you matter, and they affect who you are. We each deserve friends who will love us and treat us right. Good friends make life just a little bit easier. Friends should not make life harder. So pay attention to the list above, and pick your friends wisely. Most importantly, pay attention to the list above, and be a true friend.
